in between the worlds, death finally arriving for my father, ...so he found his place to take his flight off into the other world, leaving his body behind.
one week ago he said looking at the birds in the trees , that he s doing like them, looking for the best place to take off..
i m happy he left his painful body behind and is now free to fly again, i m sad that i m not gonna have more time with him, and that his beloved elke will be without his physical appearance for the rest of her body-life...
in between i find bits and pieces, last moments with him, breathing, me holding on to him, the father i never had a lot from, but still had so many similarities with that i felt deeply connected with his art, his weird understatement of himself, which made him sometimes show off too much, his greatness in feeling too much, and improvising with the flowting beauty of the moment, his eyes and ears seeing and hearing things / sounds that are not exsisting for others.
on the day he died, my mother who didnt see him for 30 years came to me with a picture he painted back then, to give it to me
death and illness makes people around me much softer, the ones dying and suffering are seeing what is really important in life, start being sweet like angels, and open like babies, looking at me
like i am the most beautiful person they have ever seen.
like my stepfather who is now lying in hospital, intensiv care.
i had so many moments of disharmony and anger, now when i visited him , he was cute like a puppy, holding my hand and smiling like a baby...
i was happy to see him like this, and to finally have a moment of sharing true compassion with him.
i am sad, because his suffering doesnt seem to find a change, i wish he will be better soon!
in between i find bits and pieces of peacefullness, my stepfather asking how is my father, which was never possible before, looking really sad, hearing that he will die.
my father hearing the greetings from my mother, she send him to his bed with her children, being so touched, that he can hardly speak.
and in between sounds of my childhood. like the sound of "für elise" from a little musical box on the door of my fathers bedroom, he used to have a watch which made that music.
i tried to play it on the piano, later the song always made me sad, cause it reminded me of the father i never had ... enough of.
and in between me staying in the house of my mother, the house of my childhood and youth,
to not let her be alone with her too big fear and dispare ...in these moments of sickness, and helplessness.
me feeling trapped in old feelings of lonelyness, and uselessness, with my mother reglementing me like always, realising i never had a real space for existing in this house*
i will be so happy to leave* soon!
getting more and more tired sleeping a lot to deal with it.