Menopause? I have close to zero energy. Yesterday I went swimming, that was good, felt good. The sensation of the water on my skin, the lightness of the body in the water. I manged to swim for 30 min. But it was cold, cause we have an incredible cold summer. I had to stop cause I was too cold. Today I have no energy. Had to cancel all my plans. Went back in. Will have a nap now, and I dont know if I will go out again, today.  I want to make sure I m not getting sick, cause I went swimming yesterday.. Really weird for me. I used to go swimming in February in a lake with ice swimming on it. Years ago, yeah. But I m not the same. Well, bodies change. Getting older changes your body. I guess swimming is good, just warm, not cold. I m going to nap now.. 

 If I had wings I could fly.. 

I dont, I walk through the streets of my real home-town. My home. I walk, I am, I dont know if I am. I walk around, calm little feelings, no passion, so calm, am I still myself? Maybe I changed. I did. I changed a lot. I m ok. I enjoy. I live. I care. I m there. I try to understand. After my surgery this year, I m different. I feel different. I guess getting another chance on life, changes people. I m grateful. I m slow, I m tender. I m scared. A lot of fear of missing out. A lot of fear of being a failure. But also this big, huge carelessness. I m ok. I m enough. I am who I am. And if I am a failure, so be it. I m looking forward, to being here again, in my flat, in my town. With maybe a stupid job, and stupid colleagues, and noisy streets, bad air, stupid humans everywhere, but my town, my queer town, my artsy town, my diy town, my lefty town, my diverse town, my -so much is happening and possible- town, .. etc. 

For now, I ll have to wait, and see. A year in a flat, expensive, but maybe if I feel like it, I can take another person in. If not, I ll just pay a lot of rent for a while. So what.. But I m glad, to be on my own, in peace, try to create the space a bit. I m super tired of moving around. Its been so much, this year.. the last couple years.. me, tired ! 

Sometimes I m not sure I know how to live anymore. How is it done. What do we do. and Why. Just dont overthink it. Live it. Enjoy it. Try to feel it. Care for each other. And for yourself. Ok. Will do.  And you, too. 

 WEird times. I feel like I have my sister back. I can feel her very close too me. The way that she was back then. When she was healthy bodied. I dont know why. Maybe cause she feels the same way too.. Remembering so much, so hard, so close what it was like. To be herself. To be able, to be selfdetermined. To be. She still is. Different. But here. Same same but different.. 

Its Heart Breaking. But Its Life. 

                                     Worte über Berlin. Worte über die Liebe zu Berlin. Die Liebe auch zu mir selbst, die ich erst hier richtig finden konnte, auch immer wieder verlieren, aber auch immer wieder finden. In einer Stadt, einem Ort gemacht von seiner Geschichte, in dieser Geschichte, gemacht von ihren Menschen. Von den immer wieder kehrenden Geschichten der Menschen, auf ihrer Suche nach Freiheit, nach Leben in Freiheit. Ganz unterschiedliche Auffassungen von was Freiheit für sie bedeutet. Aber doch das vereinende, auch wenn sie nicht vereint sein wollen, ist die Suche und auch das Finden dieser Freiheit oder Teile davon in dieser Stadt. Manche, die Berlin nie verlassen, und nie woanders leben müssen und mussten, sind sich dessen auch gar nicht bewusst. Sie sehen vielleicht gar nicht all diese Freiheiten. Diejenigen die hierher kommen und fliehen vor Verfolgung, Morddrohungen, Hunger, Krieg etc.. diejenigen , die ungewollt diese Stadt verlassen müssen, wissen es sehr wohl zu schätzen, und sehen und spüren es scheinwerfer- klar. Berlin ist dem Paradies sehr nahe. Immer noch, und wird es hoffentlich bleiben. Trotz aller Widrigkeiten: das Freiheitsliebende -und Lebende es überwiegt. Einmal in dieser Stadt Fuß gefasst, sie verstanden und wirklich kennengelernt, in ihrer Diversität, ihrer Seele.. einmal in sie verliebt, im Taumel der Blütendüfte an ihren Promenaden entlanggeschlendert, nicht nur sie konsumiert, sondern mit ihr gemeinsam ein Leben aufgebaut, bist du für immer mit ihr verbunden. Bist du für immer Berliner_in. 

 Its weird living my life, with the returning feeling of : I dont know if I can do this.. 

Dont get me wrong, I love this life, and soon enough it will be over, whether I like or not.. 

But living it, the way I live it right now, is seriously weird. I know, there are circumstances much worse to be had. Still my heart belongs in Berlin. I love this city, this place, this energy, diversity, these tons of people who really love freedom.. and this city which provides it through all these people, all these amazing places, spaces, .. and the nature surrounding it.. 

I mean.. 

I m tired of myself, my life, my complaints, my lonelyness, my sadness over my lonelyness. 

My broken heart, broken so many times that its actually sand now. 

Sandy heart. 

Trying to keep it together, enjoying this life, this very moment, this next breathe in ..

Trying to break the patterns of lonelyness. 

 Love is the most complicated emotion on earth, especially the romantic one, that you cant quite put your finger on what it is exactly anyway.. 

Why do you feel love for this person, or for several persons.. ? 

If you dont even know, really cant tell what makes you feel so good, and safe and sane and calm being with her, then I guess you have one of these movie moments, unexplicable love .. 

There 

I said it. Whatever it is, again someone so far, situation so unreal, uncomfortable, unreachable.. 

Unavailable.. ? 

Anyhow, who is to say, the sky and the sun chaising the moon, in desire to be together..

Then .. you have one of these special kind of loves, maybe ment to be, maybe ment to hurt, maybe ment to mend your heart, maybe ment to fight for. 

Maybe ment to go for .. ? 

 I know this affair never will go nowhere.. 

Sad lonely and pissed off.. 

Little bird trying to fly but glueing to the ground.. 

Dont you know you fool, you never can win..