Tonight.. a feeling of sadness, lonelyness, after a few days of sheer bliss, being so happy to have found back to my sunny side, I know its still there .. and I am so happy and thankful, that it is back, I wasnt sure it would ever come back.. 

But inside of me is a strong permanent warm orange sun.. warming me, warming everyone around me. I m so in love with life, in love with this sun, in love with this warmth.. and so thankful. 

Still .. tonight I wanna cry, thats ok. It will take a while before Corona is over, before I can go back to my ususal comfort ... areas.. my dos and donts.. 

Here I m facing a lot of my usual donts, and its kinda challenging to work through them, quite a transformation of my ego..? my habits.. It is not easy, cause I know pretty well, what I need for my well-being.. here and now, I ve gotta budge to a few things that are difficult and not very pleasant for me... 

For starters.. being in my weird, boring.. "where I grew up and never wanted to come back" town.. 

then being surrounded by people who dont get my essence at all. Its amazing how most people here still dont ask you how you are.. and just like 25 years ago.. if they do, they give you 2 seconds to answer, or they dont listen at all... 

After a while it just feels weird to be on my own all the time, well, being with the computer, typing in my feelings and thoughts, experiences.. kinda helps, makes me feel better, a little connected, maybe even someone reads this.. maybe the universe reads this, maybe my heart reads this while my hands are typing..

Ya, the real company we need is right there always, we are never alone, and all that.. still I m looking forward to hanging out with my friends, who do ask me how I am, and who do wanna know the answer.. hanging out with strangers getting to know them better.. having parties, celebrations, concerts.. dinners, .. doing bodywork, contact improvisation.. staying away from the computer for a week... 

I wish my sister would get better soon! Maybe she does.. I dont even know what to say..

I love you. Thank you for existing.. and thank you for reading this ...universe, my heart, or whoever you are. .. ;)