Lilaschwarz.. 

die Wände um mich herum kommen irgendwie langsam näher. Auf eine weiche Art. 

Wahrscheinlich werden sie mich irgendwann verschlucken. 

Keiner wird sich an mich oder dieses Zimmer erinnern. 

Es ist so als hätte es uns nie gegeben. 

Gut so..

 How to cope.. ? 

I wonder if I will ever be able to cope with it.. The fact that my sister is in a full on locked in syndrom for over a year now.. 

I start feeling physical problems myself, I know thats cause I m connected to her, and I do my healing work, my meditation, reloading myself, filling my cup.. still right now my energy lies on the ground and can not even get scratched off the ground. 

Ya, I mean its a lot. Its my sister, its friends and crushes who are in pain, its a virus creeping around, its winter.. 

For me personally its also hard to not be at home, in my space, my city, ...and of course lonelyness, social distancing .. it is not the healthiest thing ever for me.. I mean I feel really weird crazyness climbing up my shoulders and looking at me... it looks kinda funny actually, but it doesnt make me feel good. Its not smiling, or laughing.. or saying anything. 

It doesnt have to.. I know exactly what it wants. Hugs. Cuddling. Lying down next to someone I like, just to feel their body/ warmth/ breathe.. their love and care for me..

Connecting physically is very important for my mental health.. so she s not happy. 

Sitting there on my shoulder looking at me.. like not even starring .. just looking at me, like .. 

"Yeah, you know whats wrong, why arent you doing anything about it.. do I really have to crawl all the way up here to remind you that this isnt gonna end well.. ?

Ya, I m sorry, what can I do about this social distancing shit.. I dont wanna get the virus/spread the virus either.. 

Ya, she dont care about the virus, .. I do.. but I also know this is the hardest shittiest time in my whole life .. and I would really need someone to hold me when I m crying.. (or when I m not crying..) when I dont know how to cope..

 Schneeregen plätschert draussen vor sich hin.. in meinem Kopf neuerdings Schmerzen vor Allem rechts in der Stirnhöhle. Manchmal so stark dass ich mich wirklich frage was das denn jetzt sein soll.. Posttraumatisches Stress disorder? Migräne? Pandemie Nebenwirkung?

Heute war ein Scheiss Tag, alles tat weh. Und Aussicht auf Verbesserung habe ich nicht in meinem Repertoire gefunden. Aber viel Traurigkeit.. viele Tränen, viel Schmerz und Enge und Hoffnungslosigkeit in mir.. weglaufen wollen, von allem... niemanden mehr sehen wollen, und doch mit geliebten Menschen sein wollen, die mich kennen, und mögen, und mit mir sein wollen! 

Ich bin so allein, dass es weh tut. Ein taubes, hohles Wehtun, was ich nicht mal mehr spüren kann, und sich eigentlich nur in Resignation, Trauer, Hoffnungslosigkeit, Abwehr, Abwertung, Gereiztheit, Überforderung, Müdigkeit, Rückzug, leeren Augen und Wut zeigt.. 

Wut denen gegenüber, die meine Situation nicht sehen, die mich nicht sehen..denen gegenüber, die mich nicht mitnehmen, einladen, mich nicht mitdenken, denen ich wohl egal bin.. no signal..

Schade. Ich mag dieses Wort. Es ist weich und warm und flauschig.. und drückt alles aus, was ich gerade fühle, etwas trauriges, und gleichzeitig tröstendes..

So eine Scheisse, und ich so allein.. und weiss nicht wie mit all dem umgehen ..

Tonight.. a feeling of sadness, lonelyness, after a few days of sheer bliss, being so happy to have found back to my sunny side, I know its still there .. and I am so happy and thankful, that it is back, I wasnt sure it would ever come back.. 

But inside of me is a strong permanent warm orange sun.. warming me, warming everyone around me. I m so in love with life, in love with this sun, in love with this warmth.. and so thankful. 

Still .. tonight I wanna cry, thats ok. It will take a while before Corona is over, before I can go back to my ususal comfort ... areas.. my dos and donts.. 

Here I m facing a lot of my usual donts, and its kinda challenging to work through them, quite a transformation of my ego..? my habits.. It is not easy, cause I know pretty well, what I need for my well-being.. here and now, I ve gotta budge to a few things that are difficult and not very pleasant for me... 

For starters.. being in my weird, boring.. "where I grew up and never wanted to come back" town.. 

then being surrounded by people who dont get my essence at all. Its amazing how most people here still dont ask you how you are.. and just like 25 years ago.. if they do, they give you 2 seconds to answer, or they dont listen at all... 

After a while it just feels weird to be on my own all the time, well, being with the computer, typing in my feelings and thoughts, experiences.. kinda helps, makes me feel better, a little connected, maybe even someone reads this.. maybe the universe reads this, maybe my heart reads this while my hands are typing..

Ya, the real company we need is right there always, we are never alone, and all that.. still I m looking forward to hanging out with my friends, who do ask me how I am, and who do wanna know the answer.. hanging out with strangers getting to know them better.. having parties, celebrations, concerts.. dinners, .. doing bodywork, contact improvisation.. staying away from the computer for a week... 

I wish my sister would get better soon! Maybe she does.. I dont even know what to say..

I love you. Thank you for existing.. and thank you for reading this ...universe, my heart, or whoever you are. .. ;)

 Sometimes I just wish I could lift you up, carry you home, take you home with me, bring you in your own bed. You would wrap your arms around my neck, like you did when we were kids, remember?

We were playing you couldnt move your legs anymore.. and I had to rescue you, carry you away quickly... 

It became real.. only now, you cant move anything but your eyes... 

I cant carry you away quickly.. 

Tonight I dreamt you would suddenly get up, jump around and talk hyperactively...

I miss you so much. 

Yesterday I was with you in the park. 

You in wheelchair, the movement is obviously exhausting for your brain. 

When we were stopping under trees.. you fell asleep, listening to birds and the wind rushing through the leaves. I love you. Please forgive me that I cant bring you home, that I cant make the people here build you a new home faster. Now with this stupid Pandemic, everything is more complicated.. its driving me up the walls..

I hope you are ok, and I hope you ll get better. Its breaking my heart.. 

I wish I wish Iwish.. things will get better for you.. soon.. ! I love you. ...

 not being able to sleep.. starring at the screen, one senseless movie after another.. to numb the pain.. 

the light falling on my skin feels comforting like the caress of a tender lover being with me .. 

who is with me in these times.. ? 

Friends, family.. music, trees, the wind, the air, water, ground .. I lose the ground under my feet sometimes

dreaming myself away, the only thing that helps to forget what happened.. 

music to soothe my soul, go on.. whispering.. go on, kaydee, just go on, one step at a time, bask in the sunlight.. dance in the rain, be with someone who makes you laugh and smile, and feel good. 

All you can do is refill your cup over and over again.. 

I dont understand why this had to happen, why this happened.. 

there is nothing to understand I know.. but i d love to.. 

Like the universe picked the one thing that is the worst.. 

It would be worse to lie there myself.. I guess, but my sister..? Not being able to move and talk.. 

What the hell..