WEird times. I feel like I have my sister back. I can feel her very close too me. The way that she was back then. When she was healthy bodied. I dont know why. Maybe cause she feels the same way too.. Remembering so much, so hard, so close what it was like. To be herself. To be able, to be selfdetermined. To be. She still is. Different. But here. Same same but different.. 

Its Heart Breaking. But Its Life. 

                                     Worte über Berlin. Worte über die Liebe zu Berlin. Die Liebe auch zu mir selbst, die ich erst hier richtig finden konnte, auch immer wieder verlieren, aber auch immer wieder finden. In einer Stadt, einem Ort gemacht von seiner Geschichte, in dieser Geschichte, gemacht von ihren Menschen. Von den immer wieder kehrenden Geschichten der Menschen, auf ihrer Suche nach Freiheit, nach Leben in Freiheit. Ganz unterschiedliche Auffassungen von was Freiheit für sie bedeutet. Aber doch das vereinende, auch wenn sie nicht vereint sein wollen, ist die Suche und auch das Finden dieser Freiheit oder Teile davon in dieser Stadt. Manche, die Berlin nie verlassen, und nie woanders leben müssen und mussten, sind sich dessen auch gar nicht bewusst. Sie sehen vielleicht gar nicht all diese Freiheiten. Diejenigen die hierher kommen und fliehen vor Verfolgung, Morddrohungen, Hunger, Krieg etc.. diejenigen , die ungewollt diese Stadt verlassen müssen, wissen es sehr wohl zu schätzen, und sehen und spüren es scheinwerfer- klar. Berlin ist dem Paradies sehr nahe. Immer noch, und wird es hoffentlich bleiben. Trotz aller Widrigkeiten: das Freiheitsliebende -und Lebende es überwiegt. Einmal in dieser Stadt Fuß gefasst, sie verstanden und wirklich kennengelernt, in ihrer Diversität, ihrer Seele.. einmal in sie verliebt, im Taumel der Blütendüfte an ihren Promenaden entlanggeschlendert, nicht nur sie konsumiert, sondern mit ihr gemeinsam ein Leben aufgebaut, bist du für immer mit ihr verbunden. Bist du für immer Berliner_in. 

 Its weird living my life, with the returning feeling of : I dont know if I can do this.. 

Dont get me wrong, I love this life, and soon enough it will be over, whether I like or not.. 

But living it, the way I live it right now, is seriously weird. I know, there are circumstances much worse to be had. Still my heart belongs in Berlin. I love this city, this place, this energy, diversity, these tons of people who really love freedom.. and this city which provides it through all these people, all these amazing places, spaces, .. and the nature surrounding it.. 

I mean.. 

I m tired of myself, my life, my complaints, my lonelyness, my sadness over my lonelyness. 

My broken heart, broken so many times that its actually sand now. 

Sandy heart. 

Trying to keep it together, enjoying this life, this very moment, this next breathe in ..

Trying to break the patterns of lonelyness. 

 Love is the most complicated emotion on earth, especially the romantic one, that you cant quite put your finger on what it is exactly anyway.. 

Why do you feel love for this person, or for several persons.. ? 

If you dont even know, really cant tell what makes you feel so good, and safe and sane and calm being with her, then I guess you have one of these movie moments, unexplicable love .. 

There 

I said it. Whatever it is, again someone so far, situation so unreal, uncomfortable, unreachable.. 

Unavailable.. ? 

Anyhow, who is to say, the sky and the sun chaising the moon, in desire to be together..

Then .. you have one of these special kind of loves, maybe ment to be, maybe ment to hurt, maybe ment to mend your heart, maybe ment to fight for. 

Maybe ment to go for .. ? 

 I know this affair never will go nowhere.. 

Sad lonely and pissed off.. 

Little bird trying to fly but glueing to the ground.. 

Dont you know you fool, you never can win.. 

 Es ist gut, dass wir darüber geredet haben, über die Trauer, den Verlust, den Frust, den Schmerz. Du mit deinen Augen, und deinem Herz. ich mit meinen Worten und meinem Herz. 

Dieses Zimmer ist zu staubig. Die Küche ist zu staubig. Not good ! I m in despair.. Good night ? 

Vieles war gut heute: Reden, Fühlen, Musik. Zusammen sein. Ruhe Sonne .. 

Tomorrow is another day.. 

 Its really difficult, if I dont have a good feeling about me, after visiting my sis. Because thats the hole reason I m here, to be here for her, and make her life better. I make mistakes like everyone. But I dont forgive myself for them. I cant accept to make mistakes. Thats sad, and very hard on me. But I dont want to focus on me so much anymore. But I do. I m laser focused on myself. Maybe I have to be. I learned that I have to be, to stay alive. Selfcare, Selflove. Is good. 

And still, I wonder if we can do it too much, and forget about the others, even though we feel like we are constantly thinking about and caring for and giving love to them.. 

I m not sure. 

I can only be sure about my feelings, cause they are here. 

Fear of failing, Fear of too many things.. death, sickness, Sinnlosigkeit, Traurigkeit die bleibt, Lebensunlust.. 

Sich nirgendwo zuhause fühlen, und immer woanders sein wollen. The story of my life.. 

One story of my life. 

Es kommt auch darauf an, wie du auf die Dinge schaust und wie du sie in Worte fasst. 

What else is the story of my life: 

Dancing, Singing, being an emotional, impulsive empath with a big heart for everyone sweet and caring.. 

Fighting for another world, anticapitalism, antiracism, antisexism, antitransphobia, antiqueerphobia.. antiableism, 

I want to weather your storm. And sometimes I dont manage, And sometimes I fail. 

I m so sorry about it. I hate to see you suffer. I dont want to make you suffer more. And sometimes I do. It breaks me apart. But I m human, humans make mistakes. And I should forgive myself. Making sure that you feel ok again. And moving on with our lives.. 

You with yours, Me with mine. Together and each for their own. Love *

Hoping you feel well now, Hoping you feel better now, and sleep well. 

I m so scared of life sometimes, of letting you down, of letting me down, of letting people down, of not being enough.. sometimes its tough rough.. never enough.. 

Lets weather each others storm. And care for the next day. And the next. Lets rest, and forgive ourselves and each other. 

Lets be enough for each other. Showing our boundaries and limits is the best ! and lets take it from there. Shit ! Shit ! Scheiss Aneyrisma ! 

 What is happening? 

Dont know where I m going, dont know what I m doing. 

I just keep going my way.. is it though? My way ? I dont care.. 

I just walk it anyway. 

Does it matter what we do? Where we go? Who we are? Does iT? 

I dont think so. 

What matters is wether we love or not. 

Our life. Our friends. The life around us. 

This planet. All the livelyness on it. 

The air that we breath. The water that touches us. 

The path that we walk upon. Rocky or not. 

I m falling 

in love. 

I m trying hard to resist. But its happening. I can feel it. 

So be it. 

I m trying hard to keep it away from me. But its here. 

Maybe I never fell out of love. 

I love falling in love. I love loving. 

It keeps me alive and lively. 

Live. 

Love. 

However. Whoever. 

If it keeps you warm. 

If it keeps you going. 

If it keeps you amused. .. 

 Pms, lonelyness, confusion, sadness.. 

To all you needy, lonely people out there, dont give up hope and enjoying the little pleasures of spending time with people who get you, and who you feel good with. 

Wondering about Love again. What it is, and why we feel it sometimes towards some people.. I dont know, probably just someone s, we feel good being with, we feel something pleasant, we enjoy, we want that feeling. We like ourselves when we are with these people ? Relationships are ..? Difficult because we repeat what we learned, and the old hurt from our parents and other people comes up, and distracts. We need to deal with these distractions on our own in order not to overload the other people with ourselves? I myself want to learn so much to listen more. To really listen. I think I never learned that. And its so exciting to really learn to listen to understand someone the most you can. So beautiful, and then, and only then you know who you are with. Who ist this person, what do they think, what do they feel, what are their dreams and hopes and wishes, what is their sadness, what is their happyness? What makes their eyes light up? When are you gonna hear their prescious laughter? I guess, when you enjoy it so much to see them happy and at ease, and when you apreciate their sadness, and their trust to show you their sadness, you know you love someone. No matter how you want to define it. Love is good, Love yourself, you are beautiful. Love others. Let others Love you. If it feels good. 

 So my birthday is comming up again. I ll be 47 years in this life. My birthday used to be a very important part of my life. I invited people over to hang out, eat, play, talk.. just be together.. 

It changed in the last years. Something this year in me is rebelling: It really wants a proper birthday, with people comming over and spending time together, celebrating not just my birthday, but life in general. That prescious thing floating inside of us, that keeping up with hurts so much sometimes, but it floats anyway, prescious and strong, glittering and never giving up, untill the end. Which might come unexpected, which might come any minute. 

So lets celebrate life. Everyday a little. Also on our birthdays. 

Also on my birthday. However, whatever.