realising how important it is for health not to stay in situations that drive you crazy, how important it is to listen to your body...
realising that body and soul play together like an orchestra of your personal symphonies,
which need a lot of space to enfold and a lot of silence to be heard* * *
love and enjoy your body, enjoy its abilities while you have them, breathe while you can, you wont be able for ever!
love your lungs and the ability to breathe and move and dance... * * * :)
give your body and soul space to exist and express, to heal,
physical pain and wounds need care and change of habits to heal and develop towards joy..
pain and wounds in the soul need care and ... alot of expression...to heal and transform towards joy..
dont treat your body and soul as if you would have another one in your closet, cause you dont!!!
:)
take care*

in between the worlds of death and sickness and sadness, hope and hopelessness, childhood memories and guilt-feelings, old and new ones,
i just want to run away, turn my back to this, leave my mother alone with my sister and brother passing by and calling and ...
i understand her, i dont know if she understands me, i guess not, cause she doesnt know how i m feeling here, how she is affecting me, and i cannot explain it now, because she is in her greef and fear and hope and hopelessness, and listening was never her best subject*
monday funeral, next week france* to breathe and meet friends, feel somewhere that i am exsiting, and that i can take space easily, breathe easily*

walking in the forest nearby watching the birds and the fog rising when the sun is setting,
trying to understand myself some things from this intense time, like how it is important to take the space for your body and soul if you can... fly ... spread your wings and do it ! ! ! *
i m happy that my father answered to me in our last moments when i said : the only important thing is that we are together now.., " yes, and from here we can get to anything we want, you too ! ! ! trying to keep distance to my mothers wishes for me to stay here, in her way of making me feel guilty, : you always think only of yourself, ...you cant imagine how i am feeling...
of course she in her situation cant imagine how i am feeling here and there and in between, trapped and ... struggling to stay free.
just because i wanted to decide to leave earlier for the funeral of my father, to be away from here, have some calm, and still staying in between the worlds of sadness moving , in between the worlds of death and sickness*

in between the worlds, death finally arriving for my father, ...so he found his place to take his flight off into the other world, leaving his body behind.
one week ago he said looking at the birds in the trees , that he s doing like them, looking for the best place to take off..
i m happy he left his painful body behind and is now free to fly again, i m sad that i m not gonna have more time with him, and that his beloved elke will be without his physical appearance for the rest of her body-life...
in between i find bits and pieces, last moments with him, breathing, me holding on to him, the father i never had a lot from, but still had so many similarities with that i felt deeply connected with his art, his weird understatement of himself, which made him sometimes show off too much, his greatness in feeling too much, and improvising with the flowting beauty of the moment, his eyes and ears seeing and hearing things / sounds that are not exsisting for others.
on the day he died, my mother who didnt see him for 30 years came to me with a picture he painted back then, to give it to me
death and illness makes people around me much softer, the ones dying and suffering are seeing what is really important in life, start being sweet like angels, and open like babies, looking at me
like i am the most beautiful person they have ever seen.
like my stepfather who is now lying in hospital, intensiv care.
i had so many moments of disharmony and anger, now when i visited him , he was cute like a puppy, holding my hand and smiling like a baby...
i was happy to see him like this, and to finally have a moment of sharing true compassion with him.
i am sad, because his suffering doesnt seem to find a change, i wish he will be better soon!
in between i find bits and pieces of peacefullness, my stepfather asking how is my father, which was never possible before, looking really sad, hearing that he will die.
my father hearing the greetings from my mother, she send him to his bed with her children, being so touched, that he can hardly speak.
and in between sounds of my childhood. like the sound of "für elise" from a little musical box on the door of my fathers bedroom, he used to have a watch which made that music.
i tried to play it on the piano, later the song always made me sad, cause it reminded me of the father i never had ... enough of.
and in between me staying in the house of my mother, the house of my childhood and youth,
to not let her be alone with her too big fear and dispare ...in these moments of sickness, and helplessness.
me feeling trapped in old feelings of lonelyness, and uselessness, with my mother reglementing me like always, realising i never had a real space for existing in this house*
i will be so happy to leave* soon!
getting more and more tired sleeping a lot to deal with it.