In times when I pay therapists to hold me and let me cry.. In times when I m alone in my school friends beach house.. In times when life tells me again and again.. :live kaydee, live ! In times when my heart wants to know how they are doing, still.. In times when I realise too much about me and my perceptions.. In times when writing is my only saviour, and moving on, and moving around, and exploring the world.. I realise my problem is that I can not let people close to me anymore. Trust is gone, desire is gone, .. 

People seem just annoying, disturbing, a waste of time.. a huge dissapointment.. 

I think living means forgiving that people/ that we are all a big dissapointment .. that we all are .. whatever we are, never what we want and wish to be.. 

I think love and peace is possible when I forgive us all, and move on through this world loving us anyway.. more and less.. 

Giving and taking whatever is possible, good for the moment, no pushing, no pulling, but sharing, caring, daring, being who I am in a world full of fools, strangers, people with beating hearts, who do not know why their hearts are beating.

 Nun bin ich hier. In Berlin. Verwirrt, wie ein Aufkleber der nicht mehr drauf passt. So fühl ich mich. Alte Gefühle, alte Dinge, ich will sie alle nicht mehr. Und ich merke, .. es ist ein Zurückkommen in ein Leben das es nicht mehr gibt. Eine Karin die es nicht mehr gibt, war hier mal, lebte hier, hat Dinge und Erinnerungen angesammelt. Sie alle sind vergangen. Sie ist eine andere jetzt. Ganz anders. Aber immernoch ängstlich. Aber auch die Angst ist eine andere, hat sich verändert. 

Ich vermisse sie, die alte Karin. Sie war fröhlich ..sehr oft. Sie konnte lachen und unbeschwert sein. Albern, humorvoll. 

Die Karin die ich jetzt bin, sie hat meistens runterhängende Mundwinkel. Aber sie hat auch eine neue ganz andere Stärke. Sie steht für sich ein, sie lässt sich keinen Bullshit mehr emotional anhängen. Sie grenzt sich klar und gesund ab. Sofort. Sie kann auch lächeln und sich freuen über schöne Momente, Bilder, .. Lebendiges.. das andere lebendig und froh sehen will. 

Sie ist ziemlich viel sekundär traumatisiert worden in den letzten 2 Jahren. Daran hat sie zu knabbern.. das muss sie verdauen, verarbeiten, lernen damit umzugehen. Lernen damit zu leben. 

Sie ist ziemlich enttäuscht, von Einigen, die sie gefühlt haben sitzen lassen, (sie hatten bestimmt gute Gründe..) und sie war allein in echt blöden Momenten, in denen sie nicht alleine hätte sein sollen, sondern in denen jemand für sie da hätte sein sollen. Sie in den Arm hätte nehmen sollen. Und einfach nur da sein. .. 

Jetzt weiss ich nicht mehr richtig wie in Kontakt sein, wie zusammen sein, wie ich sein mit anderen?

 My life has ended, my life has ended when my sister almost died, and still is in alot of pain. 

I am so one with my sister, that my life has also ended.. somehow, somewhat. I have to relearn to live life again. I dont know how to live with this pain. Somehow I do. I live. And I enjoy it sometimes.. when I manage not to think of her pain. 

Healing. What is healing to me? 

To me healing means doing things that make me feel better, more connected with life. With livelyness, with the life floating inside of me. Connecting with things and people who do me good. Who are good to the life inside of me. Who help it and inspire it to shine, glitter, smile, feel warm and flowy. 

Healing is nature. Being in nature. For me. ..  

Healing is being in a surrounding that has warm and uplifting, inspiring and reassuring, peaceful, joyful energy that makes me feel realxed, happy and breathing easy. Smiling or even crying, if crying is needed. 

At the moment I dont really wanna cry anymore. I cried so much in these past last two years. It s enough for ten life times.. 

But I guess now it is a persistant part of my life. 

Healing is also standing up for myself. Being clear. Upright. Proud of who I am in a relaxed way. Happy about who I am.

 I wish I wouldnt care about you anymore, youre a crazy maker.. thats people who drive me crazy cause they think about me, but they dont reach out.. that would like to be with me, but they think they arent good for me (and maybe they are right) but dont wanna try and find out.. people who I cant let go of, or I do.. but I dont, cause we didnt try or because I am the crazy maker.. 

Cant be that hard.. 

Btw, I wanna change that blog that noone reads.. into my Healing diary ! 

Yes. Stop moping around, but write something thats healing me everyday.. 

Things I need to remember to do, in order to live fully, happy, sad, whatever but.. alive and not scared of living. But living and enjoying it. Uplifting !

Like.. 

Bodypainting

Caressing

Dancing

Bodywork

Singing

Being with interesting people 

Friends

Swimming

.. being in the forest/ sea/ ocean/rain.. 

Having moments of awe * :) 

Listening to people and to the rain.. and everything that brings me joy and wisdom

Talking what needs to be said

I know I do things wrong, or they feel wrong. But I gotta do them, even though they feel wrong, cause I feel like I gotta do them.. what else can I do. Would I be living my life if I was doing things that other people might think are right for me, for my life.. maybe even someone inside me.. that has another opininon then me .. No. But I think even if it feels wrong, maybe the feeling wrong is just a habit, a pattern. And what I decide to do is what I do, is what I am, is who I am, is how I live my life. 

I dont like it. Some of it. F.e. I dont like that noone is reading this blog. And I dont find out how to have readers.. I wanna share, I wanna connect with my writing. 

I do like listening to the pouring rain out there, and someone singing at home for a while now, sounds cute :) makes me feel safe and cozy.. kinda.. 

I guess human kind is comming to an end soonish.. so I wish I could enjoy the rest of our days.. somehow.. 

Fingers crossed. 

Lets have a good life.