Too much fear to get close to people again.. after having been abandoned, there is this constant fear that it will happen again. 

And it hurt so much, that now in every kind smile, I m happy and sad, cause I dont believe anymore that people will stay, they might get any reason to leave me, to not be able to be with me.. 

Oh mei, life.. 

Will it always be so hard and complicated, will I always be so sad? 

Will I always feel lost and alone? I dont think so.. Really I want to be somewhere soon, actually right now, with my self chosen family. Somewhere nice, green and water and wild animals.. Real connections to warmhearted people who want to live this life with me.

I will make it. I still believe in me, even if noone else does, and even if noone else understands my situation, my feelings, my despair right now.. 

I do. I understand.